drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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