Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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