Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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