That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
