Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
