Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
