Someone shit on the floor
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
