i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
