so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
