i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
