I am spending my child support on dildos
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
