so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
