roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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