He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize