Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
