you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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