I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
