it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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