my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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