I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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