You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
