Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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