We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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