Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
