I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
