he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
