At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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