we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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