I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
