i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
