I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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