It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
