from now on my penis is your penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
