You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
