Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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