i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
