my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Couch. On fire.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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