I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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