two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
