You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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