And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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