Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
