I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
