I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
