We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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