apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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