sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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