im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
