the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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