true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Randomize
