Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
