Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
