if only i could text you this smell
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize