talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize