If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
