Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
