Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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