I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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