So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
