There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
