i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
