Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
