His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
